Paleo Fig Fudge Balls

I know I said I wouldn’t be blogging much this week, but I lied. I couldn’t leave ya hangin now could I? That’d just be a dick move. So I am sitting in a Starbucks somewhere in Dallas, which only took me 45 minutes to find, just so I can blog about food. My dedication to food still somehow amazes me.

So I’ve held up pretty well paleo wise at grandparents house these past few days. Other than chocolate. I don’t want to talk about that. But I will. My chocolate consumption has raised through the roof. Especially when fudge, pie, cupcakes, cookies, etc.etc.etc. all came out….that’s when the dark chocolate almonds somehow disappeared. And my clothes became covered in chocolate smudges. What else was I suppose to do?! Act like I didn’t want to eat the sh*t out of sugar cookies covered in cinnamon frosting? Now that’s a stupid lie. I need to cut myself off chocolate covered nuts. No but seriously. New year = no nuts. Ok, that ain’t gonna happen. It’s the thought that counts though.

The best way I’ve figured out to get away from all the chocolate has been to go to CrossFit gyms in the area. And when I say gyms, I mean one. CrossFit Deep Ellum was super welcoming so I’ve decided to wod there all week. There are so many gyms that I could check out here in Dallas, but I loved the space and the coaches so why think outside the box. GET IT? F*ck I’m clever. If you don’t get that, it’s cool. I still like you.

But coming to Texas to visit family has been fun. I got to meet some new baby twin cousins, chat with my other relatives, and talk about lifting heavy objects a lot. My family doesn’t quite understand what I do. Nor do they understand what a blog is. Or paleo. So they get bored talking to me pretty easily. What I have come to find though…my grandma really likes physical expression. What that means is she tends to poke, punch, pinch, slap, squeeze…really anything she can think of. She punched me in the stomach today. I don’t personally love that. My dad said she used to whip him with a switch when he was a kid. Then he went on to tell me that they tried to spank me as punishment and I just hit back. Sh*t yeah I did! Juli don’t take sh*t from no one. I also used to kick the doors when I was put in my room for time out. And carve my name into cabinets. And you wonder why I don’t do well with children. My poor parents.

I got this wonderful idea from The Clothes Make the Girl. It was my attempt to keep me away from cake balls…yeah…it didn’t work.  I used figs instead of dates because I’m obsessed with dried figs right now. And I wanted it to feel like I was eating a fig newton. It didn’t. But it was pretty damn tasty.

What you need:
  • 1 ½ cup raw cashews
  • 2 cups dried figs (any piece of the stem removed)
  • 3 tablespoon unsweetened shredded coconut
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 tablespoon honey
  • 4 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 teaspoon coarse sea salt (because it's better than all other salts. period)
What you do:
  1. Take any of the leftover stem off your dried figs. 
  2. Throw your figs and cashews in your food processor on high until you get a paste. 
  3. Then add the rest of your ingredients. Taste to see if you need more salt. Everything taste better with salt. If you haven't experienced the magic and sweet and salty, you have a childish palate. Naive I might even say. Turn on high again to mix well. 
  4. Now use your hands to make balls any size you please. Top with course sea salt.
  5. Try not to eat all of them in one sitting. I did, but you shouldn't.

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